There’s nothing more nerve racking, exciting or worrying than that walk as you head to the supermarket or the chemist to pull the pregnancy test off the shelf with your head at a million places at once.
No matter what your pregnancy situation, that moment is one that’s filled with fear – it could be OMG has this actually happened to me, or it could be concern….what if it’s another negative I can’t take another hit!! Either way, as you pay the cashier with the nervous face and avoid eye contact it’s going to be a moment that changes you once again…for the good or the bad.
Ok ok…let’s rewind a moment………I like everyone, had a moment, a HUGE moment, a moment when that niggling feeling in the bottom of my stomach drove me to a point where I was going to have to do something, a denial glass of champagne was not going to cut the mustard for another day.
For me it was a case of seriously Nicola, you’re smarter than this!! Fresh out of a long term relationship, not looking for a big step but slowly building something new, I jumped in the car and was faced with a dilemma…to say or not to say! I’d already had this conversation in my head a zillion times in the last 48 hours, “you’re over-reacting”, “it’s not that”, “do the test it’ll be negative and there you go no harm or concern done”….my heart however had a different idea as i plonked myself in the passenger seat of his car, he looked at me and said are you ok, you’re kinda quiet……”no I think I’m pregnant! *insert head slap!!!! Seriously why do my internal agreements never go to plan that’s not the plan!!!!
He stared at me with a blank expression (*insert above emoji) then proceeded to drive….”ummmmmmm……what?????” I said! “Well you’re a smart girl if that’s what you think it probably is! so we need a testy thing right” Right my head thought…that’s that done!
So there I found myself back at my house a woman in my 30’s feeling more like a 15 year old too scared to tell Mum and Dad….working out how to pee on a stick! I like to think this was probably the first moment that part of my dignity started to slip slowly away!
So….it turns out, peeing on a stick is a lot more complicated that I first thought and I’ll be frank with you I’m a talented pee-er! There’s direction, flow and all sorts of things to think about all while you are stressed about the whole process….surely there is an easier way! Apparently so, I opted for a second go (lucky I bought 2 – tips for new players, you will stuff up the first one!) and pee-ed in the cup!
Then there’s that moment! When you pick out the test and you see the little cross for the first time! The best way to describe how you feel is to simply use emoji!
If this is something that you have been looking for, hoping for this may be you! Happy, elated, over-whelmed, ecstatic! If you and you’re partner have been trying naturally or perhaps your journey has taken you down an IVF channel and you are more than relieved to see this result! Yay! It’s exciting, this is your moment, there is a chance you will start to feel a few of the other emoji’s but soak up that moment with your partner!
SHOCK!! There’s a lot of focus on the positives of discovering you’re expecting and this can make you feel guilty but it’s ok not to feel excitement as the first emotion! If you are like me, and you weren’t exactly expecting your little cross then you may feel shocked! In fact this is a common feeling and it’s ok! For me it was a stomach churning experience, yes it’s something I always wanted…..but this wasn’t the plan! This was not how I saw it all going to happen and suddenly my head was full of a trillions questions and thoughts! I didn’t know what to do! Some how my subconcious made a decision that I should drive to him and tell him…..Don’t beat yourself up for feeling shocked! There’s a hell of a lot going through your head and you probably don’t know where to start! And you’re probably going to hit another for few emoji’s before you get to old mate happy up top!
NERVOUS….sometimes it may be the first or the second thing you felt. In my case it was the second! In what just felt like a blink of an eye my life had just done a 180 and I didn’t know what to do! How was he going to react, what would he really say! I always had those idealistic thoughts that when I discovered I was pregnant it would be like a rainbow moment and for so many it is but for others, like me it’s a complete thunderbolt, nerves were building as I drove myself to tell him the news. I’m lucky, as I pulled into his work where apparently he needed to be while I pee-ed on a stick, and as I walked down an aisle of a shop and dramatically in my best hollywood drama scene chucked a pee stick at him and said “congrats they work”, my heart was pounding out of my chest! What if he walked, how was i going to do this, what would happen? every if but and how under the sun came to my head as i fell into his arms and completely lost it like a 2 years old! Nerves had gone….now I just felt….
TERRIFIED! I don’t think fear is talked enough about in the initial stages of pregnancy or the middle or the latter to be honest! You have just discovered you are in the early stages of pregnancy and what ever your situation, the chances are with in a few hours of finding out your news you will feel fear! If you’ve been wanting this for a long time, there’s the sudden overwhelming fear of what if it goes wrong, this is just one step in an emotional journey that will turn your life around and it may not go to plan and thats scary! Maybe, like me you aren’t ready in your current situation life has thrown you an unexpected curved ball you didn’t see coming. In my case I was terrified! Scared of hurting people, scared of hurting me, unsure of what to do and above all terrified that I wouldn’t be up for this! You may be young and scared or you may be older, like me, strong and independent and suddenly find you feel like you are an innocent 12 year old inside! Either way it’s important NOT to feel guilty for fear, or nerves or confusion or any so called “negative” emotion because the truth is….pregnancy is not always a happy emoji! And it’s not spoken about enough….and I for one don’t want people to feel guilty for feeling what they feel. It doesn’t mean you don’t want it, or wont love it, means you’re scared and you find things tough and thats OK!
So follow on…..that’s what I’m here to tell you, the practical side of my pregnancy! It’s been a tough road and plenty of tough times ahead I’m sure with so many unknowns…so how do we get through it? Who the hell knows but I’m going to give it a shot! Little did I know this was just the beginning of the shocks and surprises!
Final tip: when it comes to discovering your big news no matter what your situation at some stage try and feel a little HAPPY…you did it you created a blob of cells! High 5!